DISCLAIMER
The following pages contain
explicit mokkai* content deemed dangerous for the living and the non-living** alike.
The content hereof is intended purely for fun, not as a pun but for some bun***.
The author uses a techno-tanglish slang in the book which might intimidate some
people. But nevertheless it guarantees complete entertainment in a while(1)
loop. Some terms for which a wiki exists are linked to enable purposeful
reading. But have a watch on you straying out from there. The author also has
an uncanny ability to put brackets**** and brackets within that. So an advice
would be to read them as a compiler would do.
*If you
still did not know about it, you will discover in due course of the book
**The non-living
can also be disturbed by the impulsive actions of the reader
*** Bun is a
colloquial (non-urban) slang for getting a mokkai*
****In the
true literal sense, of course
This is a work of Mokkai. There
might be some faint resemblances of hearing some instances somewhere as Mokkai
is Universal energy and it is neither created nor destroyed (while it can
destroy things) but can be transformed from one form to another. The holy
intention of the mokkascript (read manuscript) is to conserve and preserve the
droplets of nectar for the future generation to read and unleash the potential
(as instructed by my spiritual master Mr.Koundamani in one of his discourses)
MOTIVATION
“Life is all about smiling till the last mile”
-some crazy bugger
This has been the primary purpose
behind this masterpiece (read comedy-piece). One good thing about life is that
you can get inspired by the subtlest of things and subtle quality of yours can
inspire many. At the end of the day, make sure that you have laughed your
hearts out and in turn make others smile. But when I try to do the latter, in
my own way, the world terms it mokkai, but I do feel cool about it and that’s
what makes the difference.
The secondary and tertiary mottos involve
around instilling fear and a feeling of helplessness, haplessness and
hopelessness into people, helping them understand what it means to be a real scapegoat. Sounds
oxymoronic right? Read on to discover the other end of the book cover!
How easy is it to be a Butter Cutter?
Have you ever imagined a job where
in you are required to be a butter cutter (Venna Vetti)? Simple and obvious it
might seem, but there are complex intricacies involved tan imagined. Consider
cutting butter better to be a real-time embedded system. There are sensors and
actuators involved along with zero-delay scheduling and real-time feedback. The
sharpness (rather bluntness) of the knife, the angle of incidence on the butter
cake, the force applied, the extent of softness of the butter, the ambient
temperature, the psychopathic state of the cutter are just a very few important
parameters to be considered while cutting a butter without a jitter.
People say, “It is a cake-walk for
this person to do this job”. I would just like you to close your eyes for a
moment (But before that finish reading this sentence :P), slow down your
breathing and imagine yourselves walking on a ice topped chocolate forest cake!
Through the sticky mushy cream jelling all along your feet and the loss of
friction that would make fall all over making it a La’Eggina style!
Now, how does that feel? I am sure
half of you would have felt disgusted, half thinking about their partners
during the walk and the rest half (including me) about tasting the cake while
skimming through. So cake walk is not really so. It needs utmost care attitude
and concentration to accomplish any simple job. There were actually three
halves and it is not a math err as we know from our childhood days that nothing
can be cut into equal parts when sharing with siblings; with your share always
larger.
So it’s not at all an easy job
being a butter cutter or being anything for that matter.
Suprabhatam
@ 6
My septuagenarian grandmother’s
onnu vitta chithi came to visit her for a week. Every morning from Monday to
Sunday, she switches on the TV for listening to the Suprabhatam sharp at
six. It is that time of the morning when you are in semi-awake state, still
wanting to snug up in bed with the perfect dream hovering around you. You
self-portray yourself as the hero and all your crushes come flying to you. And
suddenly you are startled with this super voice of MS at high
volume that even gods would spring up from their beds in heaven.
Being a guest
and an elder woman, I did not want to hurt her sentiments that she has been
practicing right from when the radio came to India. At the same time I did not want to start this
way either; waking up startled. I tried
the following algorithms.
Monday night (after all had retired to bed): Pushed the TV remote under
the sofa making it look like it had fallen down naturally.
Tuesday morning (very early): Somehow, she figured it out and I sprang up
from bed, bidding a hasty bye to my angel in dream.
Tuesday night: Switched OFF the TV mains and slept peacefully with the
satisfaction of an accomplishment.
Wednesday (very very early): She had my dad ON the system for her.
Mission failed.
Wednesday night: Thinking of playing it defensively. Heavy sound-proofing
with two cotton rolls. Plus an extra pillow to cover the ears.
Thursday morning: No use, sound travels even through tough barricades and
the brain is such a receptive mode. God save me!
Thursday night: Unplugged the cable connection from behind and slipped
into my blanket
Response: Holy Marconi! The radio
was on and buzzing out even louder than the TV
Friday night: Tomorrow is the weekend and I want to sleep peacefully till
the sun is at an angle of incidence of 75 degrees. In addition to unplugging
the cable connection, I silently hide the radio in my cupboard.
Saturday morning: The voice of the angel in my dream suddenly changed
frequency. No! It was my grand mom’s onnu vitta chithi. She said in a gentle
voice, “Kanna, inda radio enga pochunu therila, konjam eduthu thandutu thoongu
pa. I won’t disturb you later”. Exasperated, I said to myself, “Why this
kolaveri!!”
I thought a lot the whole day Saturday as I had nothing else to do.
Sunday was special (more colorful dreams, with scenes adapted from the movie I
watched on sat night). After a long and thoughtful thinking process, I
discovered the perfect winning algorithm that would not break my sleep.
It was…. To get up myself at 5:45 AM! I had to accept defeat and I was helpless,
I was cornered.
“Thoughts are idiosyncrasies of brain waves and Mokkai is a manifestation
of the Manasu! “
The word
unlike others is
self-explanatory. Whenever you type the word in any word editor, you see a red
saw underlining it. This exactly is the meaning of this all pervasive
self-intelligent word. It’s not the saw as in see-saw but a collection of blunt
blade jokes that can make your face turn red with pain, anger or agony or
helplessness or whatever you would like to term it.
The saw symbolizes monotony dryness and agony
and the red symbolizes blood. So now that you got to know the real meaning
someone might counter it by saying, “all words unrecognizable to the dictionary
come as unrecognized, and even your name for that matter- Bharath”. The point
is that mokkai has the underlining symbolism perfectly in sync with its logical
meaning. Now that I have added it to my dictionary it wouldn’t highlight itself
further and I would recommend you also to do the same and get accustomed to it.
I know you are beginning to boil. That’s the way to go.
Classifieds
“There is a thin line in between a great philosophy and a horrible mokkai
and it is a null pointer!”
Mokkai is
always a class apart (pakkathu class) and each one of them is used exactly to
affect the emotional balance of the others with severity inversely proportional
to the quality.
The human brain, over the ages has
evolved a classification algorithm that works on statistical comparison and
measurement analysis of real-time data. Similar classification is very subtle
and difficult in the case of mokkai as there no measuring parameter as such.
This is because one cannot ideally measure how agonized one is as there is no
ISI unit. At the broadest level, mokkai is termed as mokkai , kaatu mokkai ,
kodura mokkai and marana mokkai in the order of increasing BP of the receptor
victim. This classification at no point in time or frequency can be compared to
the classification of dosas (sada, special sada, plain, masala etc). But any
dosa is always a dosa and so does mokkai .
“Mokkai is a weapon of mass destruction. It can make people weep to
exaggerate the least”
Social
NOTworking
Social Networking has eventually
transformed the way humans interact. It has brought together our friends and
acquaintances from the various times and spheres of life. On the flip side, we
have been taken a time travel back to the cave man’s era. The cave may not be a
physical one as such but we have been successful in creating a virtual mirage
of what we actually are NOT.
So, on an average everyone has some
hundreds of friends connected. But you wouldn’t need a 16-bit counter to count
the real close friends whom you want to stay connected with. Imagine someone
whom you never wanted to chat just pinged you (may be by mistake). A glimpse of
the conversation is depicted below:
A: Hi dude ! (Oh no! Did I just ping this guy by mistake?)
B: Hi macha ! (Does macha transform to dude in
the US, useless bugger)
(After some strange minutes of awkward silence
when both look for “….is typing “ )
A: Wassup dude? Lifes @ its best here at the
you-yess
B: (thinks did any1 asked him but says) Here
all is well. Eating delicious mom’s food lazying b4 d tv
A: Cool ( misses mom’s food actually for a
sec). The chicks are hot here.
B: (Evanda avan kadla poda vidama noy noyyunu )
After some 10 minutes or so….
A: (feeling happy to conclude the conversation
says) catch u l8r dude, gotta go ice skating
B: (Aala vidra saami ) Bye da. Tc chill
And I am in a way very much dependent on social networking to help reach
out this book to millions. Sounds oxymoronic right! That is what the book is
all about. A wishful contradiction of contradictions, a disguised benediction
with no jurisdiction or prediction making a viral addiction-vicks action! The
whole point is… Aaniya pudunga vendam! (Is someone gets it right in the first
go, except of course Mr TR, you can
come and claim one jeeraga
mittai from me!)
The Weakest Sex
A selective disclaimer with emphasis on complete non-generalization is
applied here with immediate effect (and this is not a two-line thought) .
The weaker sex is called weaker
because it is not weak. There is also a class of people called the “weakest sex”
and that is men, the measuring criteria being mental strength, psychological
stamina along with a little physical strength. Women have a complex neural
network that analyses, thinks and keeps on thinking (don’t know for what?) even
while reading this.
They employ a complex algorithm to
filter through and to arrive at (with fair amount of doubts) at someone who is
faintly close to a perfect companion. They also employ a continuous
evaluation protocol as in our educational system to rank guys.
As someone very rightly said,”Holding
your girlfriend’s hand and walking in a mall may seem romantic to the passersby
but only you know it in your heart that is economical that way”!
And friends around you usually work
as spark plugs in helping in ignite your passion (not the bike). Depending on
the environmental conditions, at one hand, this can lead to a smooth power
stroke while on the other a dead heat exhausting fumes and black smoke all
around. “Macha, ava onnaye paakura da” (Dude, she is looking at you through the
corner of her eyes). How many times and how many guys have fallen to this? The
list is endless. And if someone smiles at you even from a far distance, there
would be cascade of imagination running all over, with everything looking
beautiful all of a sudden and you begin proclaiming,” Macha, ava devadai da “.
As philosopher AJ, rightly says,”
the things that we want to forget are the ones that hover around and haunt us”.
Sets Relations and Functions (not math)
While pondering about relationships
and their dynamism, I stumbled upon this piece of work called Men are
from Mars, Women are from Venus. I had a great revelation (You Yes
of A la kooda ipdi daan sanda poduvaanga pola. It was not this OK). But by the
time I was able to apply this real-time, I was single and when I managed to
find somebody, I forgot what I had to do. Now I know what is running in your
mind, “This guy is definitely from Saturn”!
I was thinking to myself, what if
someone comes up with a flawless algorithm for handling relationships with all
contingency plans in place? A universal law like Newton’s kind of stuff for men
and women (of course different different ones) to readily adapt into
day-today-tomorrow lives.
I was thinking why not me? With all
these years of zero experience, I thought I could take up the task of framing
the laws and become famous like Newton! Brat’s laws of cupid! It sounded cool
in my dreams. But when I started penning down, they became one too many and I
thought it would run to volumes. People would rather loathe me rather than
praise me. The greatest learning that I garnered during this strenuous process
is this realization “We are all flawed
by design!” So no matter what all
laws we make, they would NOT be applicable to everyone everywhere every time.
People feel that they need a person
who would be able to love the way they are, what they originally are. “You be
yourself. You don’t have to change yourself for me”. This is the signal that a
huge storm is awaiting to unleash itself. Better be at your feet. This is
definitely a true and genuine desire. But to be together for a lifetime
requires a bit more than that. A little
bit of adjustment, adaptation does nothing wrong is what I feel. Let loose and
don’t freak out. After all, the world runs on give and take policy. There is
always a trade off in everything in life. The extent of this to an acceptable
limit is what is important.
The whole point is each one of us
unique, different and special. The DNAs want to boast about their mathematical
and quantum probabilistic abilities of creating same but different individuals
I suppose. Everyone of us who is/was/will be in a relationship feels/felt/would
feel that their companion is complex, strange, crude, opaque and all the strong
adjectives. Please remember this holy saying and you know what you can actually
write it down on a poster and frame it in your bedroom. “When you truly love
somebody, it overshadows all differences and you become someone in their lives
that no one can become”. I can guarantee you that by the time you finish
reading this, you would be yawning.
OK, all said and done. Two most
significant words to take back (excluding the ‘of’ of course).
ATTITUDE of GRATITUDE.
Your life will willfully become
better than what it is!
Past, Present and Future
If you think about what people might think about the how and why of your
thinking, you would cease to.
-A kinky thinker
We always feel that history is
pleasant. While working college feels like heaven and when we are in college,
school days were more joyous and ecstatic. According to leading neuro-
psychiatrists, this phenomenon (Not Rajeev Menon) can be attributed to the
selective memory syndrome coupled with a right-skewed selective recollection
algorithm incorporated in our brains.
What stays back as memories are the
ones that made us feel happy, sad, top of the world, bottom of the ocean etc.
This, when carefully analyzed and plotted mathematically, has the potential to
crush the central
limit theorem. From the super figure below, we can see that it is a
kavunda mani! (Adade Aachariya kuri ). In simple English, an inverted bell
curve.
No one likes to be lectured. At
home, at office, or even at college. But lecturing when it comes to free, fresh
advice, everyone is into it. A senior guy would go preaching; one must find
your true calling…blah … People found two effective ways of telling him, Dude,
take a breather. One of them would murmur from the back bench, “True calling is
OK, now your wife is calling you on your phone. If it becomes a missed call,
your missus will misunderstand it”. Someone else would mute him,” First attend
your natures’ call”. But he was right and we knew it. Just that we did not want
it to be emphasized.
It really is important to find your
purpose in life. But it is not like; you go sit and meditate in a silent hall,
with incense fragrance and then proclaim Eureka Eureka! It is the stronger of
the strongest urge to make a dent in the universe as Mr. Jobs would put
it. You would discover this at some point in time and when are through, there
is no looking back.
Always
remember, “You need to discover yourself coz, you cannot invent yourself
SMS
and Shakespeare
The single greatest advancement in
literature, post the Shakespearean era that can be termed ‘dramatic’ is the
evolution of the SMS language. Where each extra character means money and
increased typing effort (we all love to use shortcuts and remain lazy), human
race has evolved in2 dis btfl era.LOL . With no reference dictionary, this is
extraordinary. A geek says, “This can be thought of as the output that you
would get when you pass whole words into Winzip or Winrar! “. That sums it all.
Depending on the extent of compression and the quality, the message is
(mis)interpreted.
The most annoying part of this is
that everyone has a self dictionary and feels that to be intuitively best.
According to scientists doing research in this field,”This is very tiresome for
the brain. The whole statistical text prediction algorithm based on the natural
language processing has to be modified every time one finds the same word
represented in a different way.”What he is telling? (Vadivelu style) I
never got what he wanted to say, did any one of you get it? By the way
Mr.Vadivelu is a stalwart in this field of entertaining the masses though in
the process he sustains certain amount of damage to his body and image.
When I first saw all these wds
Ttul, ttun, nop, rofl , toefl, trol, so many like these on my mobile, I never
could figure out what they meant. From assuming them to be typos, to forming my
own meanings out of them, I was scratching my head. I could not get the courage
to ask back the sender what they meant coz that would imply that I did not
belong to the new youth generation.
So, the task is cut out straight. A
formation of a standard dictionary with all these dwarfed rebels is the
mandate. This would establish itself as a reference manual. Intuitiveness,
universal acceptability, considerably low annoyance index are the fundamental
design factors involved.
Smileys
and Sarcasm
Smileys are the best things to have
happened in this SMS era. They endeavor to enforce emotions into seemingly simple
combinations of cluttered words. The amazing part is that they almost always
succeed with finesse. They have the power to alter the whole setting, context
with which the sender intends. A simple analogy illustrates the effect:
Boy: U r such an idiot J ;-) :P
Gal: Mad abt u! So sweet of u J
Boy: U r such an idiot!! :X :(
Gal: And you are such a jerk @$$^#0!^
The words above are the same, but
with smileys around them, they convey completely opposite meanings.
The :P smiley is my favorite and I
keep wondering how this came into actual existence. But I can’t imagine rolling
out my tongue every time I use it. It also becomes too funny to think of people
with their tongues out captured in the ultra-slow motion like they show a
chameleon on TV, preying on a relatively good-looking and innocent insect.
Aunty-Mokkai
Group
“Even if you do wrong, you need to do it right”
In the recent past, there have been
huge uprisings and revolts to counter the rise of the planet of the mokkais.
Rumors and legend has it that a secret society similar to the Priory of the
Scion is working undergrounds to tarnish the power of mokkai. In fact there are
two divisions into them. While one tries to go in the path of non-violence by
replying with logic to every mokkai unleashed until there is no more mokkai
left, the other rebellious group tries to counter a mokkai with one that is
more deadly that the former becomes insignificant.
I have only one thing to say: Sappa
fellows; in either case mokkai is the clear winner!
PS: The title was chosen just to
garner interest of the reader and it has nothing to do with the poor
serial-watchers (killers)
Connecting the Dots! Making a Kolam !
People who have exercised their
patience in reaching till point of the book might feel disjointed about the
non-homogeneousness in the chapters and diagonally perpendicular content. To
make it feel psychologically appealing, this chapter is titled connecting the
dots or in tam, “Kolam Poduvathu” (Yea,
Yeah the Rangoli stuff). All the content are random ramblings of a process
running in a while (2) loop in my mind.
Though, this does not prevent you
from drawing a beautiful kolam by connecting the various aspects of life. And
by chance, as most probably it would be the case, if it turns out to be an ugly
one, I don’t claim responsibility!
I have actually tried to infuse
humor into things of great significance in ours and our neighbor’s life. Right
from when we get up, the human thought process, the work we do and the one that
we really want to, the people we meet, the one’s that stay and the one’s that
never a part of us, life throws upon us a dynamic mixture of opportunities and
interfaces. It is a means to depict sense in a non-sense way as you might have
already discovered.
Adding more metal to the cohesion,
go have a look at Chemistry textbooks’ or any other textbooks’ content page. As
I vaguely recall, the most dreaded subject at school had these chapters: Electrochemistry, Chemical
kinetics, Surface chemistry, the periodic table elements, Coordination
compounds. (Don’t worry none
of the above are hyperlinks). Is there a faint synchronization between them?
Assuming my effort to be a textbook, it justifies the structure! Uff! If you
still feel that you are not satisfied with my argument, then go jump from the
lower basement!
ICU-AMT
International
Conference on Universal
Advancements
in Mokkai Technology
You would have tried really hard and pichified your head to connect the
dots and found it utterly difficult make sense out of this non-sense. So, here
comes the real agenda of this endeavor.
-
To form a common platform to inform people about this
reform and faint them without even a chloroform.
-
To bring in all knowledge from everywhere and make a
bible kinda thing for unification of our race.
-
Vera vela illa, ena we are vetti all time
The world needs to be united over
this profound social uprising. A forum (~mall) has to be established for
culmination of all the practitioners of this holy trade from every corner of
the planet (don’t tell me it’s a sphere) and even beyond if possible. This
would eventually establish itself into a superpower consortium of
indestructible prowess and propensity and indomitable authority.
We would like to organize this
congress by inviting speakers, mics and headphones oops, not these, the
m-speakers, m-paperists, m-loggers and the m-bookists from all across to
present and postsent their experiments with the M-word. Taking into
considerations the high potential of natural destruction, we plan to organize
it in the nada of the Bermuda triangle where even the tsunami has a high
probability of getting lost.
A leading Mokka fellow (Read IEEE
fellow) feels elated about this and exclaims, “mokkai has become an integral
part of my vaazhkai, like my edathu kai and valathu kai”. Can anyone beat
it? The good news is that its all free
and much more, all the accepted papers would be indexed in I-bruce-lee and OCM
(OC Mokkai(I still can’t figure out how OC came into existence in the tamil
literature(if someone knows write back to me(and take it easy and see if you
get out of the brackets alive)))). In addition to the above, they would also be
published in odanju-pona-spring publications.
How do we plan to run this
extravaganza? Obviously there will casualties and they will have to be admitted
in the ICU and AMT will be collected from them and now you know the strategic
significance of the name. There is nothing in the world without a reason except
reason itself.
We have strategically tied up with
a country hospital. The doors of the conference room will be locked and people
in would be subjected to pure non-sense with high intensity over long periods
of time until a breaking point is detected. When people are able to visualize
death, they live. Very profound isn’t it.
Papers and Mokkascripts are invited
in the area of:
´
Blood in Ear Technology
´
Mokkai Sensor Networks
´
Heat and Mokkai Transfer
´
Mokkatronics
´
Control systems (not preferred)
´
M-Android
´
Artificial Mentalligence
Our Bladinum Sponsors:
´
My-sparrow-also-soft
´
Benana Networks (The real Kelara banana)
´
Kadikkada aapil
´
555555 networks (aaru-anju)
´
Neela mani technologies (Blubell)
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